Crappy Life

Why is there so many cruel people and they want to start fights with people that they have know for a long time and they're jealous of them and they do very stupid things to friends.  I trusted people that I shouldn't have trusted and now I have ruined the best relationship with person that meant a lot to me.  Brian is away  and I'm here with no shoulder to lean on.  What a crappy life this turned out to be.

To Breathe

To be honest I don't care if anyone gets mad for what I write.  My life is so different from all my friends and family.  I live separately from my fiance.  I go to school and work and take care of our kittens and take care of our house.  As for Brian he's up in Indiana going through chemo and treatments yet again without me there.  What no one really knows is that Brian has two different kinds of Testicle Cancer.  That Brian is worse than he was a few months ago.  All he does is sleep all day, because of all the pain he is in.  I was told by my parents and his mother that Brian still has his headaches and he's not eating.  The hospital has given medication for him to sleep during his pain.  

To tell you the truth I have only my family, his family, my school, and a friend who has been at my side since Brian left and she's making a charity for him and that's not going to be starting until November, but I'm very grateful for her and I'm glad she is back in my life, she has been a shoulder to lean on, to call on, and just for her to be there and listen.  I wish all my friends could be like her.   I use to love doing things by myself and go places by myself, I don't like that anymore.  I miss hanging out with my best friend, but she's to busy.  I feel alone in all this, whether or not me and Brian had some difficulties a couple weeks ago, we always mend our fights and talk them out, I truly love him and I truly want to marry him, because whether he's a hothead sometimes I'm hothead sometimes, but he can be the sweetest man in the whole wide world.  Brian doesn't call me bad names, he takes care of me before himself, even though i tell him not too. 

 Brian is gentlemen and that's why i fell in love with him the first time i met him.  If no one else enjoys his company and also mine, then you don't need to be a part of our life.  I'm still planning our wedding, looking at invitations whether having them made by my best friend or just order them.  Looking at Dresses, but I found a few that I like, but i need to lose some weight before i can find my perfect dress for my perfect day.  Wedding planning to me is very hard.  Especially when the theme is Peacock and it's not going very well finding decorations for that.  So I'm probably going to have to create my own decorations.   One of these days i would like to have a girls day and talk about girl things, have a movie marathon or something to get my mind off of things and just be able to breathe.  

That's what i need to do is Breathe and stop worrying and enjoy life, whether bad things is going wrong, i just need to take a walk and breathe.

Upside Down

My life again has turned upside down.  Brian my fiance is back in the hospital.  Why the hell is this happening to 24 year old.  He should be home enjoying his last year of college and being home with me and his friends and our cats and looking at ideas for our wedding next year.  For us to go through marriage prep together, but No, more cancer is to pop up and ruin everything.  Why is this demon getting in the way of happiness?  This isn't God's doing, the devil is getting in the way.  He's the Prince of Darkness, hate, disease, he's the reason of the sickness in this world, but why pick him, why pick a gentle soul of God's creatures?  

These chemicals are going to be so much harsher on his body and to tell you the truth i don't know how i'm going to handle this one.  I'm so scared for him and I won't be there this time, cause he's in another hospital up in Indiana instead of Florida.  So I can't go and see him every weekend like i did before.  This whole situation sucks and I wish it didn't happen.  Brian was doing very good during the summer and then it all started when we went to Walt Disney World for the week.  

We were suppose to have a great time to celebrate our engagement that we didn't get to celebrate during Spring Break and we finally got a chance, but it was fail.  Brian got sick in the middle of the week and he wasn't doing well and he felt sorry for ruining the trip and when our week was done we went home and we had to find out what was going on.  We went to urgent care and they just told us it was a head cold and nothing else and he was just given medication, but the meds didn't work, we decided it was time to go to the ER and we should've went the first time, because they found a very big tumor and he didn't surgery.  They took him all the way back up to Gainesville and me and my best friend Becca travelled up there and I had to give permission for them to operate on him, because his parents were on the plane.  So they removed a very big tumor and he has a nice horseshoe scar on the back of his head.

After that surgery Brian ended up going home for a few weeks up in Illinois, because his family wants a second opinion and wants to know why this keeps happening and see what we can do to stop it.  They went to this other hospital and they really didn't have anything new to say about his condition.  So it was a waste of trip.  So Brian was ready to come back home and Brian was having a hard time and he got a very sharp pain in his head they same area he had surgery, they went to the hospital to get a scan and they had to wait the next day to see if everything is okay.  They called him and said everything is good.  So Brian and his parents were on their way back to Florida until they got the call they found two more tumors in his brain.  They were about 5 hours away from Chattanooga, Tenn, when they got the call and they had to turn away and go back.  So now Brian is in for a treat.  They have to grow stem cells and then they're removing his stem cells to save them from the chemo treatment for him to have them later.  Our world is upside down and I don't know when its going to be Right-side up.

I'm all alone down here, but I know I have friends and family praying for him everyday and every night.  I have friends that will stand right beside me when I need them.  I pray to Saint Peregrine the Patron Saint of Cancer Patients every night and to our Holy Mother Mary to take my hand and help me to get through this journey.

My life has changed.  I have changed.  I grew up into the adult life too fast.  This kind of stuff should be happening later on in life, not now in a young adult.  If this happened to anyone else, I don't think they wouldn't be able to handle like I am.  It's hard work and you really need to stay positive through the whole thing and never give up.

This is Me: Part Two

I am different than all my peers.  I don’t want to be a clone or follow someone’s lead, I want to take my own trail and be successful down it, not be put down and be manipulated to do other things.  I use to not care of what others think about me, I did in High school, but now I’m a senior in College.  When I started College after high school, I didn't have a lot of friends and I was okay with that.  I loved being on my own, and doing my own things.  I had a car and went grocery shopping went to church every Sunday or Saturday.  When I came to Florida for more schooling I met so many people and I had great friends, but I didn't want to get close, when I came to Beacon College, I was really quiet, didn't really open up to anyone.  My whole life I was bullied and the fact is I feeling would people still be bullies.  I had actually a couple great friends and two best friends.  My views changed when I hang out with them.  There is a lot of things that I don’t agree or believe in because of my religion and I was always told that I’m judging.  I stopped going to Mass, Something got into my head that you don’t have to go to church to pray to god.  So I stopped going, and I lost myself for not going.  I started swearing like a sailor, I have never sworn so much in my life and I did things that I shouldn't have done.  If I just went to school and stayed in my apartment, I would be in the same Marta that first came to Florida.  I use to write and read, and I don’t do that anymore.  I love writing, I started writing at age 11, and one of my stories went to a local Fair and got the Grand Prize Winner and from that day I kept writing.   One day my dream is to become an Author, whether its poetry, Novels, series, doesn't matter what I write.  My real interest is Anthropology/ Archaeology, one of these days I will go on to my schooling to get my Master’s in Anthropology/Archaeology.  I would love to travel the world and do excavations in Egypt and see the Great Wall of China, Mayan Temples, Stonehenge, the Catacombs in Paris, or Haunted places in Europe.  History has always been my favorite thing; the second favorite is Horses, and then writing, and then art.  Painting and Stain glass is my favorite.  I can’t wait for my senior year; I’m only going to worry about school and nothing else.  Sometimes I really think, I made a mistake returning to Beacon, I should've went to a school that had my degree, but I made a mistake, I have bad regrets.  I'm only human.

This is Me: Part One

I didn’t think I was going to write this, because I didn’t know what people would think or say, or I’m just writing this for attention.  But I don’t care what people say anymore.  My name is Marta Marie Wendt, I was born on October 25, 1990 in Elgin, Illinois, at 12:44 am.  There was my parents, my mother Lori was still a college student, which she had to take a year off to take care of me when I was born and my father Edward was out of college but working at night.  My name was picked when my parents watched the Sound of Music and just recently we found out that my great great grandma was name Marta, but she spelled it like Marte, that was the old spelling over in Germany.  My great great grandma Marte was supposed to be on the Titanic to travel to the United States, but she was sick before the voyage so she had to postpone the trip to the United States.  If my family was on that voyage and was in that nasty wreck I wouldn’t be here nor my father or his twin and or my grandmother, my cousins, basically the whole family.  But they took a different voyage to Ellis Island and ended up in the state of Illinois.  Years later my brother Edward was born January 24, 1994 in Rockford, Illinois, we lived in Belvidere, Illinois at the time.

Me and my brother are very close, even though we have stupid fights, but we’re best friends and we have been through a lot growing up.  But we take good care of each other.   Eddie and I were taught differently and lived differently than all the people that I knew and know.  We lived without TV and we only watched movies, whether it was Disney or about Catholic saints, and bible stories.  That is the reason why I am today.  Gone to church every Sunday and holy days and holidays.  My favorite radio show as a kid was Adventures in Odyssey.  It was a show to about good and evil and what god wants to do with your life, it was something spiritual.  Christian and Catholic music and Disney songs, classical, is mainly what I listened too, but I loved it and still love it.  I don’t care I missed out on the popular group Nsync or Britney Spears, basically everything in the 90s, I ended up listening to them now, when it was my time to choose to do with my life. 

I attend catholic school from preschool to second grade.  The only best friend I had was a girl name Jenny.  We were like sisters, we did almost everything together, birthday parties, at each others house, everything.  Then second grade came and I was having a difficult time in my class.  My second grade teacher kept putting my name on the board because I was not paying attention or answering the questions she wanted asked because I didn’t understand.  My brain didn’t work that way.  So my parents ended up taking me to get tested at a public school.  My teacher and my principle told me and my parents that I had ADD and the councilor  that got me tested told my teacher, principle, and my parents that I had math disability, comprehension and decoding processing.  So yes I have a learning disability and I have always been made fun of my difference in learning.  I was always called the retard in class, whether you weren’t suppose say that word in school or not it was still said.  So from going to Catholic school me and my family moved and went to public school because the catholic school didn’t have the help that I needed.  So public school especially in the state of Illinois, it was hell.  The learning disability teachers didn’t help the students, they just put you down every day, every month, and the whole year.  I had a teacher when I was in 8^th grade and she gave me a detention because I got a B on one of math tests.  The school in Illinois was horrible.  I had a few friends here and there, mainly boys were my friends.  I got along with boys more than girls, because I couldn’t deal with the drama and girls sometimes are bitches.

When we moved to Wisconsin in 2006, my life changed.  I went to a small school in Muscoda, Wisconsin.  Riverdale High School was a small school, but it was a good school.  My favorite teacher my first year there was awesome, she was Special Education teacher and she helped me with everything to the point where for the rest of high school I was out of my education classes and into real full fledge classes.  English class in high school was my favorite class, because of one teacher name Mrs. Julia Chitwood, she was great she and another teacher in my life got me into writing. 

I have so many dreams, but none of them never came true yet.  The one dream I had was and is to be a writer.  I love to write, whether I write about nature and fantasy or about myself.  When I was a little girl, there was a little farm that we passed by to town and there was spotted horse in one of the paddocks and in my head I named the horse Spot and since I was about 6 I always wanted a horse and take riding lessons, just to ride free.  I finally got my horse.  His name was Twister and he was my best friend, he gave me a lot of confidence, he was the reason why I wanted to be a Dressage Rider.  Dressage is so elegant and I wanted to be a part of that world, but I never got there.  Twister died and I was devastated and I lost my confidence and lost myself.

My first college I went a horse school and that didn’t pan out, I wanted to be a part of the horse world.  There was a time I wanted to own Thoroughbreds and race them out on the track, to be the next Triple Crown Winner.  Now I want to do something more amusing and exciting.  I want to be the Next Indiana Jones.  I want to be an Archaeologist/Anthologist.  I want to explore the world and experience new things.  I’m tired of everyday life and the country that I know.  I want to go to Egypt and see the Pyramids and the Sphinx and the mummies.  I have always thought of doing Biblical Archaeology.  I’m also curious about World religions and legends, vampires, all of that.  I want to open store with this kind of stuff.

Now my life is changing.  I’m starting my senior year at Beacon College, and finding a job for me to do after school.  But the first thing to do after college is to get married to my best friend.  My first year at Beacon College I met this guy in my General Anthropology class.  I was hoping that he was single, because he was very sweet and kind, but he ended up with this person that is hard to explain, but every time in class he always flirted with me and he gave me a pet name the Ugly Duckling and I knew he was the one.  He saw me, when no else have.  I was invisible and he sought me out.  We became very good friends and we never dated until my sophomore and junior year.  During the summer of Sophomore year we took a break to see if we were supposed to be together, but we are.  We’re back together and yes there is a lot of ups and downs, but what my fiancé went through is life changing and I understand what kind of stress he was going through and he was told that the way he’s thinking will make him think that he’s not a real man and that he will take everything out on everyone.  I love him and he’s mine forever.

I’m so happy for being with someone that I love, my family, and my friends that I have now and what I will have in the future.  I actually can’t wait for the future and what is going to happen.

I’m a dreamer, a thinker.  I think all the time. I think of what people will think of me?  Or will they like me or will they judge me for who I am.  I don’t like being Center of Attention, I don’t like the attention, I never have and never will.  I have a nasty temper, but what helps that is painting.  I really love to paint.  My college Professor told me that I need to be a painter, basically an artist.  I never use to like art, but this teacher got me into art.  Painting and Mix Media art is my favorite and so is Stain glass.  My talent for stain glass comes from my mother, because she makes stain glass windows and lamps, I love it.

I have more to say, but I’m going to stop for now.

What is a True Friend?

What is a true friend is someone that supports you no matter what even if you have supported them whether or not they listen to your advice you still stand-by your friend.  A true friend is someone you can trust, and that friend doesn't judge on anything.  Who doesn't put you down or deliberately hurt your feelings. True Friends are kind and they respect you.  A true friend is someone that loves you because they choose too, not because they feel like they should.  A true friend is whose company you have chosen, loyalty, who laughs when you do, trustworthy, willing to tell the truth even if it hurts. A true friend is someone who is willing to standby you when things are tough.  A true friend is someone who will just listen.  Listening is very important for being a true friend. you don't have to give advice or the right answers, just listen.  Ask them what they need, Smiles and hugs is great way to show affection to your friends.  Keep in touch whether you  close by, just talk or say Hi, to let them know your still here for them.  If you feel that your friend isn't in a safety environment, you as friend might have to make the effort to protect that friend.  True friends aren't suppose to ignore friends and make up excuses.  Is True friendship still real out in the world or is true friendship all a lie.

World War 3

I believe i have started World War 3.  Everyone makes mistakes even if they think they're right or wrong.  Me and my Fiance just had the worse couple of days and weeks.  We have been planning of going to Wisconsin and Chicago to visit family and we were forced to stop because we were told that we couldn't drive for 18 hours to our destination and that Brian still isn't well, and Brian won't be able to drive.  Brian got cleared to drive after him being in the hospital and he has drove to Disney on the highway and everything, and still that's not satisfied.  I seriously don't understand why we need permission to go home and see family.  Just because nobody thinks we can drive that long drive.  

I have said somethings that I shouldn't have said, but I had too.  I'm in the middle of fights that doesn't even need to happen.  These people that I just started something, was going to be my family and i know that they dont want me now, the only person is still my fiance.  Right now i don't care what I said.  I have a voice and I'm going to use it, if i see something or hear something that I don't agree i will say something.  

Whenever I have children and if they need money for anything, I will give it.  God gave us the grace and compassion to take care of our children and give them the needs that we can give them. Someone i know is in a situation, where there care and he's in pain and I don't know how to help him.  Today I was with him and he had a big extremely panic attack, I will always be there with him, but I believe we're now extremely alone.  He has been through a lot and he can't even get help or kindness from his own.

World War 3 is started because I have said things to two parents that has treated me and my fiance like children and complaining that we live in Florida, when that was my choice to live not my fiance, but my fiance wanted to live with me in florida and he likes his job down here.  Someone likes a lot of control and I told him that he has no control over me and I told him he can't tell me what to do, he's not my father, i'm not his daughter, and I told him that he treats us like shit especially like my fiance.  I was also called Gold digger, by him so many times that i lost it and said that I'm marrying your son not your family.  His father this whole time has only thought i was going after my fiance's  money, and I really could careless about the money, being in relationship isn't about money.  

I just hope there is forgiveness in the future, but if not it's okay, I have my family and my fiance.