A True Man Cries

I have someone in my life that is afraid to show his true self.  He feels that his friends will judge him if he shows them who he really is.  I grew up in a very close knit family, me and brother have really great parents.  They cherish one another with great love.  Best Friends for life!  I have always dreamed to be with someone like my father.  A Prince with chivalry, a brave knight, a man who tells me everything, and a man that cries.  A true man show his true feelings to the woman that he truly loves.  He doesn’t keep secrets, he’s not mean, he is always there for you.

I grew up in a very loving home.  The only fights in my house was just stupid sibling stuff.  My parents never fought, never raised their voices at each other.  My parents have True Love just like Snow White and her Prince, Cinderella and Prince Charming, Sleepy Beauty and Prince Phillip.  That’s what I wish to have.

My Prince thinks he’s broken, he thinks that I don’t want to be with a damaged man.  A monster, like Frankenstein or Eric from Phantom of the Opera.  He thinks I’m not going to love him for what he is or what happened to him.  Ever since he has been diagnose with this cancer, I have never left his side.  I have always been there for him.  If it was other girls and I have been told by other girls, they would have not stayed with him, they would've broke off their relationship because they didn't want a Cancer boyfriend/fiancé and I would never do that.

I understand that he is sick, but that doesn't stop me from loving him.  In sickness and in health, that is one of lines when you say your vows when you get married.  I think I have done my part really well, even though I’m not married to him yet.  I know that me and him have been having some problems, but that doesn't mean I’m giving up on us.  He needs to do his part too.  He needs to be open and show people who he truly is.  Everyone loves and looks out for him, he needs to start appreciating that.  If they judge him because he’s showing who he truly is, then they’re not his true friends.

Stop hiding behind a mask.  Start being yourself, be the man you were supposed to be.  It’s time to cry, laugh, love, take your responsibility seriously, and live.  Stop thinking you have to be some tough guy, start being a soft marshmallow.  You are suppose to be a kind, compassionate, loving, caring, responsible, frugal, gracious, and a  nice beautiful person.  Not a man who is heartless and mean.

It’s time to be the true man that cries!

XOXO

The Season of Giving

The Season of Giving is drawing near.  To prepare a feast with family and friends, to give thanks to god for all the wonderful things he has given us.  It's time to make new memories and start a new.  Thanksgiving isnt about greed, like early Black Friday sales or Black Friday.  It's about giving back.  It's getting to the time where the Salvation Army is collecting money at the stores and just one dollar or little coins ain't going to hurt you if donate it into the bowl.  I did and I felt good about myself.  You feel good when you do something like that.  

The pilgrims that traveled to this precious land of the free.  Made peace with their enemies: The American Indians and enjoyed a huge feast.  They reunited as friends and paid no mind about their differences and they all became one that day to celebrate friendships, to god, and love.

These days Thanksgiving isn't like that, its all about greed and stupidity. Lets have everything open on Thanksgiving, the stores and the media has really destroyed the meaning of Christmas.  All the people are more worried about Black Friday, than having a fine thankful dinner with family and friends.  I don't go out on Black Friday, because greedy people are ridiculous and people get hurt and they fight.   This is the devil's evil doing.  People become scavenging vultures to win the best of the best before anyone else.  Instead of thinking about themselves and their families, think of the people that don't have anything.  Those are the people that needs to be given food, toys for the children, and love and kindness.

I'm thankful for God has given us a wonderful world to live in.  That god kept my fiance Brian alive and getting him better, its been a long hard year for all of us.  For my friends and family who has been here for us.  I'm thankful for having two wonderful parents and a little brother Eddie.  I love Thanksgiving, and I look forward watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, watching the classic The Miracle on 34th Street.  I look forward to great food and great everything.  Since I've been living down in Florida, I celebrate thanksgiving with my grandparents.  We enjoy each other's company and talk about good days and bad days and even sad days.  Look at pictures. 

That's what Thanksgiving is all about.  Family!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

The Victim instead of the Victor

There is so many things that I need to solve for myself.  I have hurt myself and others for not owing up to all my faults and responsibilities.  My inner demon kept me from showing my real self to people.  I hide behind a very large wall made out of solid stone rock, so strong that lava couldn’t even break through.  I live in that kind of box because I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of life, failure, losing people that I love, death, love, my own shadow.  I live as hermit, I shut myself in, I don’t allow anyone in my life, my friends, my family, and my husband- to- be.  I have it in my mind that no one is going to like me or accept me for who I am.  That’s why I was always nice to people whether they were mean to me.  

My life is very complicated and I made it that way, which is so unfortunate.  I have so much knowledge and wisdom that I’m afraid to use them.  I had a great opportunity to transfer to the University of La Crosse, Wisconsin to persuade my dream to become an Archaeologists and I didn’t.  I didn’t want to leave the school that I was comfortable in and leave all my friends and teachers that I got so close too, I really regret it now, and I really feel that I failed for me to follow my dream that I want so bad.  I was afraid that if I left, all my friends would forget me.  But the one thing if I went Brian probably would’ve been going through his Cancer alone, maybe that’s why God had me stay in Florida.  I have made so many mistakes in myself, and I don’t know why I haven’t erupted like a volcano.   My inner Demon has made me this way, it keeps me from being a very strong leader.  Instead of leader, I’ve been a follower, a puppet, or someone’s scapegoat.  I seriously need to release this demon from me and start living and being my own person.

I use to have confidence in myself, and I received that confidence through someone that was special in my life.  Not a lot of people understand but this special someone was an Arabian horse name Twister.  He was my first soul mate, I know that sounds very weird, but when you connect to a horse, you both are one.  We have been through a lot together, but the day he died, I died with him.  I lost my confidence in myself, I didn’t have any confidence at my first college, I didn’t try my best, I failed.  I really failed when my advisor told me that I would never be able to help or train horses in the Racing Industry.  My favorite passions in the Horse industry is Dressage and Racing.  One day in my life when I was training with Twister, I actually was being trained to be a Dressage horse woman.  It was my favorite thing to do, watch and watch my trainer and learning the little tricks.  For the racing I imagine living in Kentucky or Florida living in a huge house that looked like a stable and then have big stables, white fences, my own tracks, beautiful thoroughbreds, trying to think of the most interesting names for my horses, and a couple of them are really funny, but I feel those are just dreams, they won’t happen. 

This demon is tearing me apart.  It’s making me lazy.  I use to take walks, I use to wear nice clothes and I always wore makeup and painted my nails, curled or did something nice to my hair.  I don’t really do that anymore, I just put whatever clothes on and but my hair in a messy bun and then I just go to class.   Then I go to my internship and then I go home.  I have made myself the victim, instead of the Victor. 

It’s my turn now to take control and let it go.  I need to be a strong leader, a very good loyal friend to anyone.  I need to cut the strings from this puppeteer that has control of me and take the reins of my own horse for my own journey.  To let people in and to show them what kind of talent I have.  There is so much that people don’t know about me.  Instead of relying on people being there for me, I really need to be there for them.  For people to love me back, I really need to love myself.  I need to take myself out of the fire.  I need to reach for that hand that’s trying to get me out for me to become the Victor.

Happy Halloween

I can't believe it Halloween, my favorite holiday.  What's bad is that I'm really not celebrating this year.  I really didn't decorate, I just put stickers on my windows that's about it, and I didn't even carved a pumpkin.  I use to go all out and go treak'n'treating.  I'm not in the mood.  So tonight all I'm doing is eating Mexican food and eating candy and watching all my favorite Horror Movies.  So I made a list of my favorite movies I will be watching tonight and if I don't all of them tonight I will watch the rest tomorrow, I really don't care.

Movies Tonight
1. Dracula
2. Frankenstein
3. Hocus Pocus
4. The Craft
5. The new Dracula
6. Stephen King's Storm of the Century
7.The Woods
8. Wolfman
9. Van Helsing
10. 50 Horror Classic movies (too many to list)
11. The Crow
12. The Crow: City of Angels
13. Anaconda
14. Cursed
15. Murder of Decree
16. Silence of the Lambs
17. Fright Night
18. Hansel and Gretel
19. The Lady Vanishes
20. Scream
21. Scream 2
22. Stephen King's Langoliers
23. The Haunting of Silver Springs
24. Silent Hill: Revelation
25. The Awakening
26. Werewolf
27. The Cat and the Canary
28.Rosemary's Baby
29. Devil's Prey
30. The Moth Diaries
31. Pharaoh's Curse
32. The Missing
33. Congo
34. Solomon Kane
35. The Raven
36. The Grey
37. Stephen King's Bag of Bones
38. The Fog
39. The Nightmare before Christmas
40. My favorite Goosebumps
41. The Twilight Zone
42. Alfred Hitchcock

I'm not going to watch all of these, but these are some of my favorite that I will be watching.  I hope all of you enjoy your Halloween and please be safe out there.

'Tis now the very witching time of night,
When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out
Contagion to this world.
~William Shakespeare

I'm Free

I made a huge decision that i didn't know if I could do it, but I did it.  I can't be used anymore, I can't be a puppet and manipulated into doing things that I know that its not right.  It's my turn to take my path and pick how i want it and not tell me what to do and tell me who I should be and how I should do things.  I was never a friend, I was their option.  I was only there if they wanted to start trouble, and do mean things and get me involved.  My wheels are finally turning and I should've noticed what was happening, but i didnt.  Now I'm alone and this evil ruined alot of good things.  This evil thinks its so funny and its not funny to me.

Now its my turn to take the reins and decide who I want to be.  I know the past can't be fixed, but I hope one day the bridges that have burn can be built again.  What's important now, is Me.  To figure what I want, to do things by myself until Brian comes home.  Do things that i love like reading, writing, painting, taking long nature walks.  I miss taking my long walks and exploring new things that I have never done before.

To be there for friends and not hide the truth from people that I love.  No more lying for other people, that's what gets me in trouble.  I'm free, there was a lot of weight on my shoulders and it has lifted.  Now I can go and walk like nothing hit me like their anger, hatred, pride, lust, greed.

I don't have to be afraid, now I can have my own opinions and not being told how i feel.  I don't need that in my life, because that makes me look fake and I'm not fake.  I don't like center of attention, I'm to shy for that.  I'm a thinker and creative.

No one can control me anymore.  I'm Free

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." -Maya Angelou.

That's all I was: AN OPTION.  I'm Free! 

24th Birthday

Oh man I can't believe that I'm 24 years old.  I can't believe how fast my life has been and I have had so many adventures in my life and I'm so blessed they have happened.  I'm thankful to god for this birthday and many more to come.  Let's see if I have 24 fabulous memories.

1. October 25, 1990: I was born in Elgin, Illinois, to the greatest parents a girl can ask for.
2. My first trip to Walt Disney World in 1992
3.January 24, 1994: My little brother and my best friend was born, in Rockford, Illinois.
4.My first pet was a hamster name Snowball.
5. My first favorite Halloween movie was Hocus Pocus.
6. When I was six, my first PG-13 movie was Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, which I watched with my dad. (My mom never knew that).
7.Going to Grandma Doud's house in Iowa, riding on the Jet Ski and going fishing with grandpa.  I remember a time when me and grandpa were fishing and Grandpa caught a turtle and it scared him and he fell into the lake.  It was so funny, but I felt bad for grandpa.
8.Going to Apple River Canyon, in Illinois.
9.Going to New Salem with Grandma and Grandpa Wendt down in Springfield, Illinois.
10. Henry Vilas Zoo is one of my favorite places in Madison, Wisconsin, I have been going to that zoo my whole life and I love it there.  It has been about 5 years since I've been there.  I miss it terribly.
11.The very first movie I saw in theater was Disney's Aladdin.
12. The best days was driving my parents crazy with me watching Disney's The Little Mermaid over and over again.
13. Watching Classic TV shows: The Munsters, Bewitched, I Dreamed of Jeannie, The Addams Family
14.I love Mexican food, when I was a baby I loved hot salsa
15. Growing up with all the Harry Potter Books and Movies.
16.My first horse name Phazon Mr. Twister, My best friend (R.I.P)
17. Went to Walt Disney World for the 2000 Millennium:  It was awesome and Epcot had a parade and a great firework show, it was so fun and it was my brother's first time at Disney and also the foreign exchange student that was living with us it was her first time too.
19.Going Washington D.C.: That was a great vacation
20. Going to South Dakota to Mt. Rushmore and all the sitings thats there.
21. Beacon College: The school that made me who I am today.  Meeting new people and made a lot of great friends. Friends that will be there forever.
22. Meeting Brian Kaminski in my General Anthropology class.  The first day I met him I just knew that I was going to end up being with him whether or not at the time he was with someone.
23. Going to Walt Disney World with my friends.
24. Getting in engaged to Brian Kaminski, my best friend and my future husband.

I have had a pretty awesome life and there is more things to come and I can't wait.

A Girl and her Horse

I loved horses and I always wanted one.  When I lived in Illinois every time we drove out to Freeport, Illinois there was a little farm that had a cute red barn with white trim and a white fence.  There was a grey horse with spots, not sure what breed at the time, but I always said "Hello Spot," even though the horse never heard me, I always said Hello and Goodbye.  I always dreamed about horses and one dream was that one day I would own my own and ride them everyday and have a beautiful red stable with white trim, beautiful white fencing and open fields for me to run away to be free from civilization.  I took lessons and I met my match and his name was Phazon Mr. Twister.  He was my best friend and he gave me a lot of confidence in myself and help me trust him and myself.  I rather be with him than humans.  I wish he was still alive and I could talk to my best friend.  I told him all my secrets, he was the only one i sang too.  I miss riding horses, I miss brushing them, I rather hang out with them, than humans.  At least they don't hurt you like humans do.  I rather be with horses now than being here in a hatred civilization.  Horses are so funny and they know what your feeling.  There is times when they know you just want to walk instead of ride.  When your sad they hug you with their large head and give you kisses.  When your happy they know when your ready to work and dance in the arena with upbeat classical music.  The heartbeat of a horse runs in my veins to my heart.  The fierce of a runner controls my legs like a horse.  The temperament of a horse is my attitude.  Being with a horse is my Zen zone.  I want my old life back, back in the barn, back on the horse.  That's the only kind of friend I deserve, the only friend I can trust and that he can trust me.  The horse is my soul-mate.  If I lived in the world of Harry Potter my patronous to protect me would be a horse.  The friendship between a girl and her horse is grace, beauty, spirit, and freedom.  The barn for the girl and her horse is a sanctuary to be alone and isolated from the outside world.  So what I'm saying a girl and her horse has a much better life in the barn and the open fields, than out in the real world, with real people.