There is so many things that I need
to solve for myself. I have hurt myself
and others for not owing up to all my faults and responsibilities. My inner demon kept me from showing my real
self to people. I hide behind a very
large wall made out of solid stone rock, so strong that lava couldn’t even
break through. I live in that kind of
box because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of
life, failure, losing people that I love, death, love, my own shadow. I live as hermit, I shut myself in, I don’t
allow anyone in my life, my friends, my family, and my husband- to- be. I have it in my mind that no one is going to
like me or accept me for who I am. That’s
why I was always nice to people whether they were mean to me.
My life is very complicated and I made it
that way, which is so unfortunate. I
have so much knowledge and wisdom that I’m afraid to use them. I had a great opportunity to transfer to the
University of La Crosse, Wisconsin to persuade my dream to become an
Archaeologists and I didn’t. I didn’t want
to leave the school that I was comfortable in and leave all my friends and
teachers that I got so close too, I really regret it now, and I really feel that I
failed for me to follow my dream that I want so bad. I was afraid that if I left, all my friends
would forget me. But the one thing if I
went Brian probably would’ve been going through his Cancer alone, maybe that’s
why God had me stay in Florida. I have
made so many mistakes in myself, and I don’t know why I haven’t erupted like a
volcano. My inner Demon has made me
this way, it keeps me from being a very strong leader. Instead of leader, I’ve been a follower, a puppet,
or someone’s scapegoat. I seriously need
to release this demon from me and start living and being my own person.
I use to have confidence in myself,
and I received that confidence through someone that was special in my life. Not a lot of people understand but this
special someone was an Arabian horse name Twister. He was my first soul mate, I know that sounds
very weird, but when you connect to a horse, you both are one. We have been through a lot together, but the
day he died, I died with him. I lost my
confidence in myself, I didn’t have any confidence at my first college, I didn’t
try my best, I failed. I really failed
when my advisor told me that I would never be able to help or train horses in
the Racing Industry. My favorite
passions in the Horse industry is Dressage and Racing. One day in my life when I was training with
Twister, I actually was being trained to be a Dressage horse woman. It was my favorite thing to do, watch and watch
my trainer and learning the little tricks.
For the racing I imagine living in Kentucky or Florida living in a huge
house that looked like a stable and then have big stables, white fences, my own
tracks, beautiful thoroughbreds, trying to think of the most interesting names
for my horses, and a couple of them are really funny, but I feel those are just
dreams, they won’t happen.
This demon is tearing me
apart. It’s making me lazy. I use to take walks, I use to wear nice
clothes and I always wore makeup and painted my nails, curled or did something
nice to my hair. I don’t really do that
anymore, I just put whatever clothes on and but my hair in a messy bun and then
I just go to class. Then I go to my internship and then I go
home. I have made myself the victim,
instead of the Victor.
It’s my turn now to take control
and let it go. I need to be a strong
leader, a very good loyal friend to anyone.
I need to cut the strings from this puppeteer that has control of me and
take the reins of my own horse for my own journey. To let people in and to show them what kind
of talent I have. There is so much that
people don’t know about me. Instead of
relying on people being there for me, I really need to be there for them. For people to love me back, I really need to
love myself. I need to take myself out
of the fire. I need to reach for that hand
that’s trying to get me out for me to become the Victor.
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