The Season of Giving

The Season of Giving is drawing near.  To prepare a feast with family and friends, to give thanks to god for all the wonderful things he has given us.  It's time to make new memories and start a new.  Thanksgiving isnt about greed, like early Black Friday sales or Black Friday.  It's about giving back.  It's getting to the time where the Salvation Army is collecting money at the stores and just one dollar or little coins ain't going to hurt you if donate it into the bowl.  I did and I felt good about myself.  You feel good when you do something like that.  

The pilgrims that traveled to this precious land of the free.  Made peace with their enemies: The American Indians and enjoyed a huge feast.  They reunited as friends and paid no mind about their differences and they all became one that day to celebrate friendships, to god, and love.

These days Thanksgiving isn't like that, its all about greed and stupidity. Lets have everything open on Thanksgiving, the stores and the media has really destroyed the meaning of Christmas.  All the people are more worried about Black Friday, than having a fine thankful dinner with family and friends.  I don't go out on Black Friday, because greedy people are ridiculous and people get hurt and they fight.   This is the devil's evil doing.  People become scavenging vultures to win the best of the best before anyone else.  Instead of thinking about themselves and their families, think of the people that don't have anything.  Those are the people that needs to be given food, toys for the children, and love and kindness.

I'm thankful for God has given us a wonderful world to live in.  That god kept my fiance Brian alive and getting him better, its been a long hard year for all of us.  For my friends and family who has been here for us.  I'm thankful for having two wonderful parents and a little brother Eddie.  I love Thanksgiving, and I look forward watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, watching the classic The Miracle on 34th Street.  I look forward to great food and great everything.  Since I've been living down in Florida, I celebrate thanksgiving with my grandparents.  We enjoy each other's company and talk about good days and bad days and even sad days.  Look at pictures. 

That's what Thanksgiving is all about.  Family!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

The Victim instead of the Victor

There is so many things that I need to solve for myself.  I have hurt myself and others for not owing up to all my faults and responsibilities.  My inner demon kept me from showing my real self to people.  I hide behind a very large wall made out of solid stone rock, so strong that lava couldn’t even break through.  I live in that kind of box because I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of life, failure, losing people that I love, death, love, my own shadow.  I live as hermit, I shut myself in, I don’t allow anyone in my life, my friends, my family, and my husband- to- be.  I have it in my mind that no one is going to like me or accept me for who I am.  That’s why I was always nice to people whether they were mean to me.  

My life is very complicated and I made it that way, which is so unfortunate.  I have so much knowledge and wisdom that I’m afraid to use them.  I had a great opportunity to transfer to the University of La Crosse, Wisconsin to persuade my dream to become an Archaeologists and I didn’t.  I didn’t want to leave the school that I was comfortable in and leave all my friends and teachers that I got so close too, I really regret it now, and I really feel that I failed for me to follow my dream that I want so bad.  I was afraid that if I left, all my friends would forget me.  But the one thing if I went Brian probably would’ve been going through his Cancer alone, maybe that’s why God had me stay in Florida.  I have made so many mistakes in myself, and I don’t know why I haven’t erupted like a volcano.   My inner Demon has made me this way, it keeps me from being a very strong leader.  Instead of leader, I’ve been a follower, a puppet, or someone’s scapegoat.  I seriously need to release this demon from me and start living and being my own person.

I use to have confidence in myself, and I received that confidence through someone that was special in my life.  Not a lot of people understand but this special someone was an Arabian horse name Twister.  He was my first soul mate, I know that sounds very weird, but when you connect to a horse, you both are one.  We have been through a lot together, but the day he died, I died with him.  I lost my confidence in myself, I didn’t have any confidence at my first college, I didn’t try my best, I failed.  I really failed when my advisor told me that I would never be able to help or train horses in the Racing Industry.  My favorite passions in the Horse industry is Dressage and Racing.  One day in my life when I was training with Twister, I actually was being trained to be a Dressage horse woman.  It was my favorite thing to do, watch and watch my trainer and learning the little tricks.  For the racing I imagine living in Kentucky or Florida living in a huge house that looked like a stable and then have big stables, white fences, my own tracks, beautiful thoroughbreds, trying to think of the most interesting names for my horses, and a couple of them are really funny, but I feel those are just dreams, they won’t happen. 

This demon is tearing me apart.  It’s making me lazy.  I use to take walks, I use to wear nice clothes and I always wore makeup and painted my nails, curled or did something nice to my hair.  I don’t really do that anymore, I just put whatever clothes on and but my hair in a messy bun and then I just go to class.   Then I go to my internship and then I go home.  I have made myself the victim, instead of the Victor. 

It’s my turn now to take control and let it go.  I need to be a strong leader, a very good loyal friend to anyone.  I need to cut the strings from this puppeteer that has control of me and take the reins of my own horse for my own journey.  To let people in and to show them what kind of talent I have.  There is so much that people don’t know about me.  Instead of relying on people being there for me, I really need to be there for them.  For people to love me back, I really need to love myself.  I need to take myself out of the fire.  I need to reach for that hand that’s trying to get me out for me to become the Victor.